Last letter to my Mom

'Mother' is a divine word that holds immense significance, representing the most precious person in an individual's life. The mere thought of a mother can bring a smile to your face, giving a sense of comfort and evoking deep emotions. Having your mom by your side in every decision, in every situation, and in every aspect of life is a blessing. Her words of wisdom carrying more weight than any knowledge you may possess. She is a problem solver, a first doctor, a well-wisher, and a guiding light. She cheers for every success and willingly bears the responsibility of your failures. Mothers are our lifeline, the ultimate source of love, support, and guidance.

Unfortunately, there are some individuals who are not fortunate enough to experience the warmth and care of a mother's love. Despite uttering the word "mom" as their first word, these individuals constantly yearn for the presence of their one and only support system. They gradually learn to rely on themselves, becoming self-reliant and independent. They eventually navigate through life without the comfort and guidance that only a mother can provide.

That ‘one’ person is me!

I was born in an upper middle-class family who were financially well-off, and had one dream – to have an heir to the family business, a son! Well, the couple was quite upset when they were blessed with a girl, as she was believed to be guest in her own family. No one said anything directly, but I could sense it! That emotional unavailability, those blame games and a feeling of not being enough! While all my classmates were growing up with supportive families, I was struggling with anxiety and overthinking of how I can fix everything so that my mother can love me back. I craved for her love to an extend that I was willing to push my limits and accept abuse in order to be loved by my own mother. Then came my brother, a tiny baby boy who was adored by both my parents. Their happiness seemed no bounds when they held his tiny fingers and vowed to be the best parents. I thought it was applicable to me as well. Who knew I will have to look after myself till the end!

Fast forward twenty years! I called my mom after signing my joining letter, only to hear “Isn’t it obvious that you will get a job after graduating from college? What is the big deal?”

Her words killed my enthusiasm, it literally killed my joy of officially joining a multinational company! Something happened after that! I was already dealing with a breakup, but that day something broke inside me! Since that day I stopped answering calls from family. My parents, my brother and my relatives called me several times, but I left all the calls unanswered. Nobody knew my address, so I was sure no one would disturb me.

I was diligently doing my daily tasks, sometimes overdoing it. I was in an overthinking mode for around three months, when one day I met a counsellor, a psychiatrist. It was then I realised there was a huge difference in what I wanted to be and what I had become. After having clarity, I realised I still have time to fix things. Thank God!

Next two years were more of busy schedules and journaling my emotions. I knew what I wanted! Exactly two years and six months after my first day of joining, I bought my own house using home loan. A small, affordable one bedroom house in an apartment complex. My home, my comfort zone, my castle! What else could I ask for! I had invited my ex-boyfriend my house warming party. I thought he wont see my face. Quite unlikely, he actually showed up. After the house warming rituals were over, he said “Congratulations! I am sure you have invited me to show off that you are doing great without me, isn’t it?”

“Anni, would you believe if I tell you the truth?”

“I have believed in every shit that you have said before, try once again!”

“Okay then. Hear me out without interruption! I have invited you because you are the only person who was there with me for who I am, without an ulterior motive. Anni, I am sorry. I am sorry for everything I have said and done. I am so sorry for being horrible to you. A controlling, demeaning and an insensitive girlfriend! When you needed someone to encourage you, I pointed out your mistakes. I was mean to you a lot of times, and instead of being mad at me you considered that as my expression love for you. You were the only one who accepted me the way I was. I was not at all understanding, but thanks Anni, thanks a lot for being there for four years, for bearing with my tantrums. It was never your fault, I was the villain of our relationship. Don’t be so shocked. I am not expecting anything in return. I really wanted you to be a part of such a big day of my life, because you have been the best person. And I am really sorry.”

Anni was shocked as he had never expected that I would take responsibility of our breakup. He stayed back till dinner while we spoke about our lives. Obviously we wouldn’t get back but I was happy to see him and relieved after accepting my mistake.

Finally I had one last thing to be done! I hadn’t informed anyone about my house, not even family. I had an option to call mom or text her, yet I chose to write a letter to her, the last letter to my mom!

“

Dear Mom,

As I sit here, penning down these words, my heart feels heavy with a mix of emotions. There are so many things I wish I could have said to you, so many wounds I wish could have healed, but alas, life doesn't always give us the chance to amend things. This is my last letter to you while I move forward to a new beginning.

Throughout my childhood, I yearned for your love and affection, but it always felt just out of reach. Your emotional abuse left deep scars on my soul, wounds that have taken years to heal. I remember the countless nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering why I wasn't enough for you. I questioned my worth, my existence, and my purpose in life, all because I couldn't understand why my own mother couldn't love me. As I grew older, I realized that your emotional unavailability was not a reflection of my worth, but the reflection of your interest towards your other child. You were inclined to be a perfect mother to the family’s heir and forgot that I was also a child, a child that was yearning for an emotionally available mother. A child that didn’t not know what was her fault! A child who was belittled for every mistake, whose achievements didn’t matter! I have learned to accept that I cannot change the past, but I can choose how it shapes me moving forward.

Isn’t it strange Mom, that your incapable and incompetent daughter got a job? Even if you had spent few lakhs on my education, I was still dumb and incompetent as compared to my friends. I was so incompetent that my achievements were disregarded and I was made to believe that those were just random occurrences. Afterall, I was not the topper of the school! I had only scored eighty-five!

Do you know, when I was in class five, I became so underconfident in school that I could not utter a word! I was under constant pressure of proving myself that hampered my speech, yet you scolded me for not performing well. When I scored well, you were unhappy that I was not the topper as it was not enough to be in top five.

You fed my brain that confidence means belittling others by showing others their place, in short being mean and snapping at others to shift the blame. This is why I was never able to make friends! You made me believe that every friend of mine sees me as a competition and can never be a good friend. I am nit good enough to have a friend! You believed all the cooked up stories of your son to raise hands on me, but never paid attention to my loneliness, to my emotional needs. Every time I was looking for your support, for your encouragement, all I got was – I am not good enough!

I was in constant fear and constantly overwhelmed about trying to become an overachiever – perfect in sports, perfect in studies, perfect before relatives, better than everyone in family. I was made to perceive that perfectionists don’t waste time in playing games or physical exercises. You need to study eighteen hours, but even that was not enough for you! You hated it when you could not show off my achievements before you so-called family. Little did I know perfection is a perception, not reality!

That day, when I was touched inappropriately, when I was frantically looking for help and support, instead of taking a stand for me, how conveniently you blamed me for allowing someone to do something with me. Mom, who was supposed to teach me how to defend myself? That day, I was in constant dilemma whether it actually happened or I was being delusional.

When I got sick in college, you called your family to tell them how upset you were because of my sickness, but you didn’t bother calling me for fifteen days to check on me. When I questioned your unavailability, yet again you made it my fault. You had told me how I misunderstood your love and concern for me!

You were so busy becoming a perfect mom to your son that you forgot you are responsible for your daughter as well. You made a burden to my own family. You made me realise that I should be grateful to you because you are paying for my education and giving me a place to live.

As a child, I would often question what I had done wrong to deserve such treatment. I would search for any sign of approval or affection, hoping that maybe this time, I would be good enough. But no matter how hard I tried; it seemed like I could never meet your expectations. Over time, the constant criticism and belittlement took a toll on my self-esteem. I began to internalize the negative messages you fed me, believing that I was indeed unworthy of love and affection. I carried this belief with me into adulthood, struggling to form healthy relationships and constantly seeking validation from others. The emotional abuse I endured from you not only affected my self-worth, but it also shaped the way I viewed the world. I became guarded and distrustful, always expecting the worst from people. I built walls around myself, afraid to let anyone get too close, for fear of being hurt again.

Mom, how did you expected a ten year old to understand what a thirty year old woman is feeling when you were not capable of understanding what I was going through? Why was it always about you and ‘the family’? That family to which I should serve earnestly! Why was I not accepted, not made to feel the part of the family while you, your husband and your son were okay to command me?

I had lived many years with conflicting thoughts that you had instilled. You made me an adult who can be blamed but not grown up to take decisions. I should own up my mistakes but it was okay for everyone to mock at me and blame me? Now I realise, those blame games was the only way to vent out your frustration, and was never due to my incapability. Basically, I was your punching bag!

Emotional abuse is insidious. It leaves no visible scars, but its impact is profound. It chips away at your self-esteem, your sense of worth, and your ability to trust others. It creates a constant state of fear and anxiety, always waiting for the next attack, the next cruel word, or the next moment of rejection. For years, I blamed myself. I thought that if I could just be better, if I could just do more, if I could just make you proud, then maybe you would love me. But no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. Your love was conditional, always just out of reach. It took me a long time to realize that the problem wasn't me. It was you. It was the chain of things that happened leaving me with conflicting thoughts. While my friends grew up in healthy environment, I did become something inspite of having an awful childhood.

It took me so many years to realise I am worthy of love, I am equally capable of accomplishments and I deserve respect.

Undoubtedly, it has been a long and difficult journey, but I am proud of the person I have become. I have learned to love and accept myself, regardless of the approval or validation I receive from others.

Writing this letter is not about placing blame or seeking revenge. It is about finding closure, about letting go of the pain and resentment that has weighed me down for far too long. I would also need my own time to recover from the unhealed scars, my childhood woes; to unlearn few things, and to become a better version of myself. I am letting go of the pain and embracing the love and happiness that I deserve. I am choosing to break free from the chains of captivity. And I am doing it for myself, for my own well-being and happiness. For years I have borne the brunt of being ungrateful; now I am taking some time from life to embrace who I am!

I hope one day you will be able to accept me the way I am!

Thanks mom, for few incredible things that you have done for me – paid for my education, gave me food, gave me medicines when I was sick, got me clothes, taught me words, and a huge thanks for being my mom. I am indeed thankful for all those things that were done in my favour.

With regards,

Your imperfect daughter who chose her mental peace over being a perfectionist!

”

I posted this to my old address where my parents lived. Finally, I was relieved. I got the negativity off my chest. I went home peacefully after a handful of shopping, watching a movie and eating my favourite pasta. I didn’t realise it got so late. As the clock struck midnight, I received a text ‘Your number 88******** is activated now’.

A new number, a new house and a new beginning!