A Marriage of Convenience

Marriage is a bliss! The echo of laughter, the joy of giving, the power of encouragement, the magic of touch, the sensual cry and a safe shelter - I have always believed marriage to be a fulfilling emotional companionship.

Ever since I understood the concept of marriage, I waited—waited too long to give my all to that one person who would become mine. I was twenty-five years old when I first met Raj. It happened at my new workplace, where I was introduced to all my team members. And there he was—the unassuming Raj. Our connection wasn’t a love-at-first-sight whirlwind; no, it was more like a slow-burning ember. If I were to rewind time and ponder why Raj, I’d draw a blank. But sometimes, life’s mysteries unfold in their own sweet time, revealing their purpose when we least expect it.

Raj and I used to work together, and thus sometimes we would exchange some meaningful conversations about office and work-life balance. One morning, we decided to reach office early before the client meeting. I reached office at 7.30 in the morning and went straight to the cafeteria. In no case, I would miss my breakfast! I still had time as Raj and I decided to meet at 8am. It was a surprise to find Raj occupying a table with filter coffee and a sandwich. I felt happy seeing him, getting company during breakfast is not such a bad thing! I got some food for myself and then took a chair, to be seated exactly in front of him. We talked for a while, before we started having conversations about families. Days turned into weeks, and our conversation grew more intimate. We laughed over shared memories, confided our fears, and reveled in the quiet camaraderie that blossomed between us. And then, as if scripted by fate, I found myself falling for Raj. It was a natural progression, as if the universe had woven our destinies together with invisible threads. Our story seemed to be meticulously crafted!

Two years later, we decided to get married. I was on cloud nine! Finally, I had someone by my side, this time forever! He had the ability to make me smile, even from a distance. His mere presence would resolve my internal conflicts. His encouragement was enough to push my limits and achieve my goal. Indeed, Raj became my happy place!

As our discussion for marriage was initiated between families, it was a time of reality check. Raj’s mom was apprehensive of me. She expected her son to marry a princess, a rich and beautiful girl. While I was average looking, with a wheatish complexion. She wielded her words like tiny arrows, piercing my self-esteem. “Chubby,” she’d jest, her laughter echoing in the room. Others chuckled, oblivious to the sting beneath the jest. But there was more to her behaviour—a calculated push, a relentless prodding that threatened to unravel my composure. I couldn’t confront her directly. Who wants to spoil her relationship with her future mother-in-law! However, one day she crossed her limits. She called me during my office hours. And there it was—the grand list of expectations. Gold for her son, gold for her daughter, silk sarees, and furniture. It was as if she’d curated a shopping list for my impending marriage. But little did she know that Raj was sitting beside me, and listening to every word that came out of her mouth. His eyes met mine, and in that shared gaze, he apologized—not for himself, but on behalf of his mom. “Once we’re married,” he promised, “she’ll change. She can’t bear to upset her own son.”

The stage was set, the curtains drawn, and we danced to the rhythm of tradition. Soon, we were married. Everything happened according to his mom - rituals, clothes, jewellery, and what not! She would flaunt her so called ‘perfect son’ before her friends and tell them how lucky I was to find him. While the old aunties were enjoying the juicy gossips, my mind was constantly listening to my mother-in-law’s words, as if she was constant belittling me in subtle ways. I was confused, whether these jokes are common in families for ladies to bond with each other, or se actually was trying to portray me as ‘a poor thing’. Soon one of her statement assured me that I was thinking in right direction. She told me directly, ‘why don’t you divorce my son? I will find a nice girl for him.’

Her hatred for me was evident, it was disguised as a joke! That day, I understood my married life wasn’t going to be easy. A few days in my new home, where I had lived with constant fear and anxiety about judgement and hatred covered as jokes.

Toxicity towards a newly married woman has been normalized in our society to an extent that if I ever expressed my thoughts before the women in my family, they would advise me ‘stay silent for a year, that’s how women build her home. It’s a new place, you have to adjust for the sake of your new family.’ Basically, what everyone intended to say was - ‘you have to deal with that shit forever because now you are married and hence you don't have access to self-respect anymore. You have lost your freedom of speech, choice and everything and have to live as per the commands given by your husband and his family. Standing up for yourself is a strict no-no, because good girls die everyday within to keep their families happy. Your mother-in-law will now ruin your life because throughout her marital life she had no punching bag to take her frustrations out, so you will that punching bag for her!’

In this phase of constant bullying and endless taunts, I had a hope that Raj will understand me and fix things. When we left for work, one day, I found an opportunity to talk to Raj and open up about everything that had happened back at his hometown. He listened to me with utmost patience, But then, out of nowhere, he erupted in a fit of rage—a tempest that I had never witnessed during our blissful dating days. The calm facade shattered, revealing a side of him I hadn’t known existed. I kid you not, I was so scared of him that day! He slapped me multiple times and simply said “don’t you dare talk against my mom. She is my God.”

Was he really this person? I was in shock! I couldn’t believe my ears! That person who made me feel so special during our courtship period, who made efforts to keep me happy, was also capable of slapping me! That too on my birthday!

That was the first time I felt like, did someone cast evil spells on Raj? How can someone change so drastically? For several days, I lived in fear. The mere sight of Raj’s raised hand sent shivers down my spine. Every time he reached for a glass on the counter, I instinctively shielded my face, bracing for impact. He didn't just slap my face that day; rather he had slapped my soul!

Frequent quarrels, blame-games, victim mentality of a narcissist mother-in-law, over dramatic representation of mother and son’s love, constant criticism and emotional unavailability, Both the mother-son duo exhibited condescending behaviour. Their interactions dripped with superiority, as if they held the keys to a secret kingdom of judgment I lived in perpetual restlessness, as if the next moment would unleash Raj’s wrath. I became so restless that I would often get up from sleep from slightest sound.

We did have good moments too. We went out for dinners, he would get me gifts, sometimes plan dinners and movies. But these moments were scanty. I was constantly feeling the need of more of such occasions where we would peacefully sit. However, peace was far from us. Even during those moments, I would not open up, because I feared that would make him angry. Sometimes when I told him a little about how I felt, he would blame me for spoiling good moments and criticize me for not valuing his efforts. I spent four years with misery and fear!

One day, while travelling to office, I met with an accident. It was a minor accident, still I was hurt and experienced pain in my left leg. It was manageable pain. When I went home and told Raj and his mom about the accident, her reaction was cold, as if it was a trivial matter. Listening to her words Raj continued playing games with his playstation. Next morning, I woke up with severe backpain, unable to move my left leg. I was trying to stand, but every time I would sit down due to extreme pain. Raj paid attention to my situation and decided to take me to the hospital. But before leaving, his mom forced me to prepare breakfast citing I was having mental issues and being dramatic about the accident.

That’s it! I lost respect for her that day! I was already crying in pain, on top of that I was portrayed to be seeking sympathy for a minor accident. Upon diagnosis at the hospital, the doctor informed us that I had a nerve compression, which caused extreme pain and internal swelling. I was advised complete bedrest and physiotherapy after the pain reduced. Raj took care of me. Fetching me food, getting me water and staying by me - I felt like maybe he is back to his older self, the days before our families met. Taking care of sick wife is not an easy task, especially when she is immobile temporarily. For an entire month, Raj was available for me, while his mom couldn’t bear the sight of him taking care of me and hence, she left for hometown.

A month passed and my physiotherapy sessions began. For the first three days, Raj was patiently dealing with everything. However, on the fourth day when I asked him to fill my water bottle, he took a long breath as if my request irked him. I thought maybe he was tired. I understand that taking care of ailing wife is challenging. It takes lot of patience and sometimes one feels burdened. Eventually, as days passed, once again Raj started behaving odd. He was snapping at me for no reasons, he would take extra-long breaths if I asked him something. Infact while travelling back from physiotherapy often he would portray himself to be a great husband that he is bringing me for the sessions. I could feel his discomfort. So, I decided to present him playstation5. He was actually doing a lot for me. I thought a gift might change his habit of boasting.

Little did I realise, when a boy is raised by a narcissist mother, he often turns out to be a man-child!

Gradually, his habits started pushing me off. He would often make me feel guilty about trivial matters. Those days were extremely painful for me. I was constantly dealing with a feeling of being crippled because of my inability to fetch food and water. I was feeling helpless! On top of that, my so-called husband boasting about his greatness and snapping at me for trivial matters, that was too much to handle! I was hurt to an extent that at one point I felt like not talking to him at all. I closed my bedroom door with a bang and then sat for a while. I was feeling anxious, gasping for breath. I relaxed a bit and without much realization I fell asleep. After sleeping for an hour, when I woke, I decided to stay alone in the for sometime. I started to recollect everything that happened in last four years, since the day I got married.

Raj and I were not happily married. I was constantly living in fear of losing him and anxious about making mistakes. I was a happy-go-lucky person before. Didn’t realize when I had transformed to a timid woman! I used to take my self-respect seriously. Then when did I lose it all? I had transformed from a pretty woman to a ninety kilograms woman who looked old and crippled, as if I was battling something serious. Our happy moments were only to celebrate Raj, they were never meant for us as a couple! Every time I achieved something, it would end up in a comparison between me and Raj. If I ever feel troubled due to work pressure, then Raj would portray it be a silly matter and shove it off like nothing happened. Or conversations were more about Raj’s expenses and how I should contribute more. Our expenses were equally divided except that Raj did not have family’s responsibility while I had to send money to my parents. To add on, if Raj gave me expensive gifts, he would expect the same from me. If I gave him anything apart from what he desired, he would often mock at my choices and call them cheap. When Raj felt stressed about his work, then he expected me to leave everything and listen to him. In case I tried explaining him with making relevance to y work environment he would literally yell at me saying I was ungrateful to life. He wouldn’t mind stating that I am problematic as I don’t have anyone apart from him, no friends or family. He would bring my weaknesses tactfully into our arguments and use it against me. I would mostly end up crying. Then he would start throwing things and blame me for his anger. He would act like he is pleading me for peace. But in reality, I was the one to get hurt and cry. Everytime I expressed myself, I would be blamed. If I addressed what bothers me, then I would be called out as the problematic person. If I turned silent, I would be still blamed. Most of the times when his mom was around, I felt as if they were a married couple and I was the outsider who is brought to family to serve their needs. Initially I was hesitant to think about it, however, as days passed, these things started seeming odd. My self-worth was diminishing each day and my self-confidence was dying.

I was dumbstruck! Was our marriage only a marriage of convenience? If not, then Raj would genuinely have cared for me. But no, unlike what I had desired from this marriage, Raj was all about sharing expenses to buy his house where him mom could visit often. Raj didn’t marry me to share life, he married me for his convenience of being able to maintain his lifestyle with all the expenses being shared. He married me for the convenience of meeting his emotional needs, so that he could vent out his frustrations out and then portray like I am not able to understand him or he is unable to talk freely with me. He would often showcase that he is the unhappy one because of my incapability of being a good wife. If I ever replied then he would say ‘when did I say this’, ‘this is what you think of me’ etc. He knew very well, I did not have many friends to confide in, nor my family was emotionally available for me. He knew I would become happy with bare minimum. So he did his best to trap me in the name of marriage so that his needs can be met, atleast that’s what it appeared to me; and there was no one to correct me, no one to give me solace, nobody to convince that Raj really had loved me.

Otherwise, a man who genuinely loves a woman will be emotionally available to her and will protect her self-respect at any cost. But here, Raj didn’t mind criticizing me, nor he was ready to listen to my problems. He would listen to me rarely only to complain that I am acting silly.

How did I not understand this before? I had received many cues to realise this was only a marriage of convenience. But alas, society’s normalization of toxicity, glorifying a woman’s sacrifice and enduring domestic abuse took over my head.

But no more! After four years, I finally realized. Damn! I was such a fool! I was coerced into believing that enduring pain is the synonym of love! Raj played really well. But he did not realize, if I can love him enough to transform myself to a door mat, then what will happen when I start showing the same love for myself!

Then I knew what exactly I had to do…